[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
intruding? Her voice had the same sort of lightness overlying pain that I had
heard in Kensie s. I m the one who s thinking of intruding of intruding my
problems on you.
That s not necessarily an intrusion, I said.
I hoped you d feel that way, she said. It was strange to have her voice
coming in such everyday tones from a silhouette of darkness. I wouldn t
bother you, but I need to have all my mind on what I m doing here and personal
matters have ended up getting in the way.
She paused.
You don t really mind people spilling all over you, do you? she said.
No, I said.
I thought so. I got the feeling you wouldn t. Do you think of Else much?
When other things aren t on my mind.
I wish I d known her.
She was someone to know.
Yes. Knowing someone else is what makes the dif-ference. The trouble is,
often we don t know. Or we don t know until too late. She paused. I suppose
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ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.html
you think, after what you heard just now, that I m talking about Kensie?
Aren t you?
No. Kensie and Ian the Graemes are so close to us Morgans that we might as
well all be related. You don t usually fall in love with a relative or you
don t think you will, at least, when you re young. The kind of person you
imagine falling in love with is someone
strange and exciting someone from fifty light years away.
I don t know about that, I said. Else was a neighbor and I think I grew up
being in love with her.
I m sorry. Her silhouette shifted a little in the darkness. I m really
just talking about myself. But I know what you mean. In sober moments, when I
was younger, I more or less just assumed that some day I d wind up with
Kensie. You d have to have something wrong with you not to want someone like
him.
And you ve got something wrong with you? I said.
Yes, she said. That s it. I grew up, that s the trouble.
Everybody does.
I don t mean I grew up, physically. I mean, I matured. We live a long time,
we Morgans, and I sup-pose we re slower growing up than most. But you know how
it is with young anythings young animals as well as young humans. Did you ever
have a wild animal as a pet as a child?
Several, I said.
Then you ve run into what I m talking about While the wild animal s young,
it s cuddly and tame; but when it grows up, the day comes it bites or slashes
at you without warning. People talk about that being part of their wild
nature. But it isn t. Humans change just exactly the same way. When anything
young grows up, it becomes conscious of itself, its own wants, its own
desires, its own moods. Then the day comes when someone tries to play with it
and it isn t in a playing mood and it reacts with Back off! What I want is
just as important as what you want And all at
once, the time of its being young and cuddly is over forever.
Of course, I said. That happens to all of us.
But to us to our people it happens too late! she said. Or rather, we start
life too early. By the age of seventeen on the Dorsai we have to be out and
work-ing like an adult, either at home or on some other world. We re
pitchforked into adulthood. There s nev-er any time to take stock, to realize
what being adult is going to turn us into. We don t realize we aren t cubs any
more until one day we slash or bite someone with-out warning; and then we
realize that we ve changed and they ve changed. But it s too late for us to
adjust to the change in the other person because we ve al-ready been trapped
by our own change.
She stopped. I sat, not speaking, waiting. From my experience with this sort
of thing since Else died, I as-sumed that I no longer needed to talk. She
would carry the conversation, now.
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ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.html
No, it wasn t Kensie I was talking about when I first came in here and I
said the trouble is you don t know someone else until too late. It s Ian.
Ian? I said, for she had stopped again, and now I felt with equal instinct
that she needed some help to continue.
Yes, she said. When I was young, I didn t un-derstand Ian. I do now. Then,
I thought there was nothing to him or else he was simply solid all the way
through, like a piece of wood. But he s not. Everything you can see in Kensie
is there in Ian, only there s no light to see it by. Now I know. And now it s
too late.
Too late? I said. He s not married, is he
Married? Not yet. But you didn t know? Look at
the picture on his desk. Her name s Leah. She s on Earth. He met her when he
was there, four years ago. But that s not what I mean by too late. I mean it s
too late for me. What you heard me tell Kensie is the truth. I ve got the
curse of the first Amanda. I m born to belong to a lot of people, first; and
only to any single person, second. As much as I d give for Ian, that
equation s there in me, ever since I grew up. Sooner or later it d put even
him in second place for me. I can t do that to him; and it s too late for me
to be anything else.
Maybe Ian d be willing to agree to those terms.
She did not answer for a second. Then I heard a slow intake of breath from
the darker darkness that was her.
You shouldn t say that, she said.
There was a second of silence. Then she spoke again, fiercely
Would you suggest something like that to Ian if our positions were
reversed?
I didn t suggest it, I said. I mentioned it.
Another pause.
You re right, she said. I know what I want and what I m afraid of in
myself, and it seems to me so obvious I keep thinking everyone else must know
too.
She stood up.
Forgive me, Corunna, she said. I ve got no right to burden you with all
this.
It s the way the world is, I said. People talk to people.
And to you, more than most. She went toward the door to the balcony and
paused in it. Thanks again.
I ve done nothing, I said.
Thank you anyway. Good night. Sleep if you can.
She stepped out through the door; and through the window wall I watched her,
Page 29
ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.html
very erect, pass to my left until she walked out of my sight beyond the
sitting room wall.
I went back to bed, not really expecting to fall asleep again easily. But I
dropped off and slept like a log.
When I woke it was morning, and my bedside phone was chiming. I flicked it on
and Michael looked at me out of the screen.
I m sending a man up with maps of the interior of Gebel Nahar, he said, so
you can find your way around. Breakfast s available in the General Staff
Lounge, if you re ready.
Thanks, I told him.
I got up and was ready when the bandsman he had sent arrived, with a small
display cube holding the maps. I took it with me and the bandsman showed me to
the General Staff Lounge which, it turned out, was not a lounge for the staff
of Gebel Nahar, in gener-al, but one for the military commanders of that
estab-lishment. Ian was the only other present when I got there and he was
just finishing his meal.
Sit down, he said.
I sat. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
zanotowane.pl doc.pisz.pl pdf.pisz.pl szamanka888.keep.pl
intruding? Her voice had the same sort of lightness overlying pain that I had
heard in Kensie s. I m the one who s thinking of intruding of intruding my
problems on you.
That s not necessarily an intrusion, I said.
I hoped you d feel that way, she said. It was strange to have her voice
coming in such everyday tones from a silhouette of darkness. I wouldn t
bother you, but I need to have all my mind on what I m doing here and personal
matters have ended up getting in the way.
She paused.
You don t really mind people spilling all over you, do you? she said.
No, I said.
I thought so. I got the feeling you wouldn t. Do you think of Else much?
When other things aren t on my mind.
I wish I d known her.
She was someone to know.
Yes. Knowing someone else is what makes the dif-ference. The trouble is,
often we don t know. Or we don t know until too late. She paused. I suppose
Page 27
ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.html
you think, after what you heard just now, that I m talking about Kensie?
Aren t you?
No. Kensie and Ian the Graemes are so close to us Morgans that we might as
well all be related. You don t usually fall in love with a relative or you
don t think you will, at least, when you re young. The kind of person you
imagine falling in love with is someone
strange and exciting someone from fifty light years away.
I don t know about that, I said. Else was a neighbor and I think I grew up
being in love with her.
I m sorry. Her silhouette shifted a little in the darkness. I m really
just talking about myself. But I know what you mean. In sober moments, when I
was younger, I more or less just assumed that some day I d wind up with
Kensie. You d have to have something wrong with you not to want someone like
him.
And you ve got something wrong with you? I said.
Yes, she said. That s it. I grew up, that s the trouble.
Everybody does.
I don t mean I grew up, physically. I mean, I matured. We live a long time,
we Morgans, and I sup-pose we re slower growing up than most. But you know how
it is with young anythings young animals as well as young humans. Did you ever
have a wild animal as a pet as a child?
Several, I said.
Then you ve run into what I m talking about While the wild animal s young,
it s cuddly and tame; but when it grows up, the day comes it bites or slashes
at you without warning. People talk about that being part of their wild
nature. But it isn t. Humans change just exactly the same way. When anything
young grows up, it becomes conscious of itself, its own wants, its own
desires, its own moods. Then the day comes when someone tries to play with it
and it isn t in a playing mood and it reacts with Back off! What I want is
just as important as what you want And all at
once, the time of its being young and cuddly is over forever.
Of course, I said. That happens to all of us.
But to us to our people it happens too late! she said. Or rather, we start
life too early. By the age of seventeen on the Dorsai we have to be out and
work-ing like an adult, either at home or on some other world. We re
pitchforked into adulthood. There s nev-er any time to take stock, to realize
what being adult is going to turn us into. We don t realize we aren t cubs any
more until one day we slash or bite someone with-out warning; and then we
realize that we ve changed and they ve changed. But it s too late for us to
adjust to the change in the other person because we ve al-ready been trapped
by our own change.
She stopped. I sat, not speaking, waiting. From my experience with this sort
of thing since Else died, I as-sumed that I no longer needed to talk. She
would carry the conversation, now.
Page 28
ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.html
No, it wasn t Kensie I was talking about when I first came in here and I
said the trouble is you don t know someone else until too late. It s Ian.
Ian? I said, for she had stopped again, and now I felt with equal instinct
that she needed some help to continue.
Yes, she said. When I was young, I didn t un-derstand Ian. I do now. Then,
I thought there was nothing to him or else he was simply solid all the way
through, like a piece of wood. But he s not. Everything you can see in Kensie
is there in Ian, only there s no light to see it by. Now I know. And now it s
too late.
Too late? I said. He s not married, is he
Married? Not yet. But you didn t know? Look at
the picture on his desk. Her name s Leah. She s on Earth. He met her when he
was there, four years ago. But that s not what I mean by too late. I mean it s
too late for me. What you heard me tell Kensie is the truth. I ve got the
curse of the first Amanda. I m born to belong to a lot of people, first; and
only to any single person, second. As much as I d give for Ian, that
equation s there in me, ever since I grew up. Sooner or later it d put even
him in second place for me. I can t do that to him; and it s too late for me
to be anything else.
Maybe Ian d be willing to agree to those terms.
She did not answer for a second. Then I heard a slow intake of breath from
the darker darkness that was her.
You shouldn t say that, she said.
There was a second of silence. Then she spoke again, fiercely
Would you suggest something like that to Ian if our positions were
reversed?
I didn t suggest it, I said. I mentioned it.
Another pause.
You re right, she said. I know what I want and what I m afraid of in
myself, and it seems to me so obvious I keep thinking everyone else must know
too.
She stood up.
Forgive me, Corunna, she said. I ve got no right to burden you with all
this.
It s the way the world is, I said. People talk to people.
And to you, more than most. She went toward the door to the balcony and
paused in it. Thanks again.
I ve done nothing, I said.
Thank you anyway. Good night. Sleep if you can.
She stepped out through the door; and through the window wall I watched her,
Page 29
ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.html
very erect, pass to my left until she walked out of my sight beyond the
sitting room wall.
I went back to bed, not really expecting to fall asleep again easily. But I
dropped off and slept like a log.
When I woke it was morning, and my bedside phone was chiming. I flicked it on
and Michael looked at me out of the screen.
I m sending a man up with maps of the interior of Gebel Nahar, he said, so
you can find your way around. Breakfast s available in the General Staff
Lounge, if you re ready.
Thanks, I told him.
I got up and was ready when the bandsman he had sent arrived, with a small
display cube holding the maps. I took it with me and the bandsman showed me to
the General Staff Lounge which, it turned out, was not a lounge for the staff
of Gebel Nahar, in gener-al, but one for the military commanders of that
estab-lishment. Ian was the only other present when I got there and he was
just finishing his meal.
Sit down, he said.
I sat. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]