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horrifying terrible scenario of his life.
Great, I thought: 'Real.' Then this is what happens when he sees me with mad hair and no make-up.
"It's me," I said. "It's Bridget."
For a second I thought he was going to start screaming even more, but then he sank down on the
stairs, shaking uncontrollably. "Oh," he said, trying to breathe deeply. Oh, oh."
He looked so vulnerable and cuddly sitting there that could not resist sitting down next to him,
Putting arms round him and pulling him close to me.
"Oh God," he said, nestling against my pyjamas. "I feel such an arse."
It suddenly struck me as really funny - I mean it was really funny being terrified out of your
wits by your own ex-girlfriend. He started laughing too.
"Oh Christ," he said. "It's not very manly, is it, getting scared at night. I thought you were the
bullet man."
I stroked his hair, I kissed his bald patch where his fur had been loved off. And then I told him
what I felt, what I really, really felt. And the miracle was, when I had finished, he told me he
felt pretty much the same.
Hand in hand like the Bisto Kids, we made our way down to the kitchen and, with extreme
difficulty, located Horlicks and milk from behind the baffling walls of stainless steel.
"You see, the thing is," said Mark, as we huddled round the oven, clutching our mugs trying to
keep warm, "when you didn't reply to my note, I thought that was it, so I didn't want you to feel
I was putting any pressure on. I-'
"Wait, wait," I said. "What note?"
"The note I gave you at the poetry reading, just before I left."
"But it was just your dad's 'If ' poem."
Was unbelievable. Turns out when Mark knocked the blue dolphin over he wasn't writing a will he
was writing me a note.
"It was my mother who said the only thing to do was to be honest about my feelings," he said.
Tribal elders - hurrah! The note was telling me that he still loved me, and he wasn't with
Rebecca, and that I should ring him that night if I felt the same and otherwise he'd never bother
me with it again but just be my friend.
"So why did you leave me and go off with her?" I said.
"I didn't! It was you who left me! And I didn't even bloody realize I was supposed to be going out
with Rebecca till I got to her summer house party and found myself in the same room as her."
"But ... so you didn't ever sleep with her?"
Was really, really relieved he had not been so callous as to wear my Newcastle United underpants
gift for prearranged shag with Rebecca.
"Well." He looked down and smirked. "That night."
"What?" I exploded.
"I mean one's only human. I was a guest. It seemed only polite."
I started trying to hit him around the head.
"As Shazzer says, men have these desires eating away at them all the time," he went on dodging the
blows. "She just kept inviting me to things: dinner parties, children's parties with barnyard
animals, holidays-"
"Yur, right. And you didn't fancy her at all!"
"Well, she's a very attractive girl, it would have been odd if . . ." He stopped laughing, took
hold of my hands and pulled me to him.
"Every time," he whispered urgently, "every time I hoped you'd be there. And that night in
Gloucestershire, knowing you were fifty feet away."
"Two hundred yards in the servants" quarters."
"Exactly where you belong and where I intend to keep you till the end of your days."
Fortunately he was still holding me tight, so could not hit him any more. Then he said the house
was big, cold and lonely without me. And he really liked it best in my flat where it was cosy. And
he said that he loved me, he wasn't exactly sure why, but nothing was any fun without me. And then
... God, that stone floor was cold.
When we got up to his bedroom noticed a little pile of books beside his bed. "What are these?" I
said, not believing my eyes. "How to Love and Lose but Keep Your SelfEsteem? How to Win Back the
Woman You Love? What Women Want? Mars and Venus on a Date?"
"Oh," he said sheepishly.
"You bastard!" I said. "I threw all mine away." Fist fight broke out again, then one thing led to
another and we just shagged, like, all night!!!
8.30 a.m. Mmm. Love looking at him when he's asleep.
8.45 a.m. Wish he would wake up now, though.
9 a.m. Will not actually wake him up, but maybe he will wake up himself just through thought
vibes.
10 a.m. Suddenly Mark sat bolt upright and looked at me. Thought he was going to tell me off or
start screaming again. But he smiled sleepily, sank back down and pulled me roughly to him.
"Sorry" I said afterwards.
"Yes, you should be, you dirty little bitch," he murmured homily. "What for?"
"Waking you up by staring."
"You know what?" he said. "I kind of missed it."
Ended up staying in bed quite a long time after that, which was fine because Mark didn't have any
appointments that couldn't wait and I didn't have any appointments ever again for the rest of
life. Just at a crucial moment, though, the phone rang.
"Leave it," gasped Mark, carrying on. The answerphone boomed out.
"Bridget, Richard Finch here. We're doing an item on the New Celibacy. We were trying to find a
personable young woman who hadn't had sex for six months. Didn't have any joy. So I thought we'd
settle just for any old woman who can't get laid and try you. Bridget? Pick up the phone. I know
you're there, your loopy mate Shazzer told me. Bridget. Bridguuuuuuuurt. BRIDGURRRRRRRRRRRT"
Mark paused in his activities, raised one eyebrow in manner of Roger Moore, picked up the phone,
murmured, "She's just coming, sir," and dropped it into a glass of water.
Friday 12 September
Minutes since had sex 0 (hurrah!).
Dreamy day, highlight of which was going to Tesco Metro with Mark Darcy. There was no stopping him
putting things into the trolley: raspberries, tubs of Pralines and Cream Hdagen-Daaz, and a
chicken with a label on saying 'extra fat thighs'. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
zanotowane.pl doc.pisz.pl pdf.pisz.pl szamanka888.keep.pl
horrifying terrible scenario of his life.
Great, I thought: 'Real.' Then this is what happens when he sees me with mad hair and no make-up.
"It's me," I said. "It's Bridget."
For a second I thought he was going to start screaming even more, but then he sank down on the
stairs, shaking uncontrollably. "Oh," he said, trying to breathe deeply. Oh, oh."
He looked so vulnerable and cuddly sitting there that could not resist sitting down next to him,
Putting arms round him and pulling him close to me.
"Oh God," he said, nestling against my pyjamas. "I feel such an arse."
It suddenly struck me as really funny - I mean it was really funny being terrified out of your
wits by your own ex-girlfriend. He started laughing too.
"Oh Christ," he said. "It's not very manly, is it, getting scared at night. I thought you were the
bullet man."
I stroked his hair, I kissed his bald patch where his fur had been loved off. And then I told him
what I felt, what I really, really felt. And the miracle was, when I had finished, he told me he
felt pretty much the same.
Hand in hand like the Bisto Kids, we made our way down to the kitchen and, with extreme
difficulty, located Horlicks and milk from behind the baffling walls of stainless steel.
"You see, the thing is," said Mark, as we huddled round the oven, clutching our mugs trying to
keep warm, "when you didn't reply to my note, I thought that was it, so I didn't want you to feel
I was putting any pressure on. I-'
"Wait, wait," I said. "What note?"
"The note I gave you at the poetry reading, just before I left."
"But it was just your dad's 'If ' poem."
Was unbelievable. Turns out when Mark knocked the blue dolphin over he wasn't writing a will he
was writing me a note.
"It was my mother who said the only thing to do was to be honest about my feelings," he said.
Tribal elders - hurrah! The note was telling me that he still loved me, and he wasn't with
Rebecca, and that I should ring him that night if I felt the same and otherwise he'd never bother
me with it again but just be my friend.
"So why did you leave me and go off with her?" I said.
"I didn't! It was you who left me! And I didn't even bloody realize I was supposed to be going out
with Rebecca till I got to her summer house party and found myself in the same room as her."
"But ... so you didn't ever sleep with her?"
Was really, really relieved he had not been so callous as to wear my Newcastle United underpants
gift for prearranged shag with Rebecca.
"Well." He looked down and smirked. "That night."
"What?" I exploded.
"I mean one's only human. I was a guest. It seemed only polite."
I started trying to hit him around the head.
"As Shazzer says, men have these desires eating away at them all the time," he went on dodging the
blows. "She just kept inviting me to things: dinner parties, children's parties with barnyard
animals, holidays-"
"Yur, right. And you didn't fancy her at all!"
"Well, she's a very attractive girl, it would have been odd if . . ." He stopped laughing, took
hold of my hands and pulled me to him.
"Every time," he whispered urgently, "every time I hoped you'd be there. And that night in
Gloucestershire, knowing you were fifty feet away."
"Two hundred yards in the servants" quarters."
"Exactly where you belong and where I intend to keep you till the end of your days."
Fortunately he was still holding me tight, so could not hit him any more. Then he said the house
was big, cold and lonely without me. And he really liked it best in my flat where it was cosy. And
he said that he loved me, he wasn't exactly sure why, but nothing was any fun without me. And then
... God, that stone floor was cold.
When we got up to his bedroom noticed a little pile of books beside his bed. "What are these?" I
said, not believing my eyes. "How to Love and Lose but Keep Your SelfEsteem? How to Win Back the
Woman You Love? What Women Want? Mars and Venus on a Date?"
"Oh," he said sheepishly.
"You bastard!" I said. "I threw all mine away." Fist fight broke out again, then one thing led to
another and we just shagged, like, all night!!!
8.30 a.m. Mmm. Love looking at him when he's asleep.
8.45 a.m. Wish he would wake up now, though.
9 a.m. Will not actually wake him up, but maybe he will wake up himself just through thought
vibes.
10 a.m. Suddenly Mark sat bolt upright and looked at me. Thought he was going to tell me off or
start screaming again. But he smiled sleepily, sank back down and pulled me roughly to him.
"Sorry" I said afterwards.
"Yes, you should be, you dirty little bitch," he murmured homily. "What for?"
"Waking you up by staring."
"You know what?" he said. "I kind of missed it."
Ended up staying in bed quite a long time after that, which was fine because Mark didn't have any
appointments that couldn't wait and I didn't have any appointments ever again for the rest of
life. Just at a crucial moment, though, the phone rang.
"Leave it," gasped Mark, carrying on. The answerphone boomed out.
"Bridget, Richard Finch here. We're doing an item on the New Celibacy. We were trying to find a
personable young woman who hadn't had sex for six months. Didn't have any joy. So I thought we'd
settle just for any old woman who can't get laid and try you. Bridget? Pick up the phone. I know
you're there, your loopy mate Shazzer told me. Bridget. Bridguuuuuuuurt. BRIDGURRRRRRRRRRRT"
Mark paused in his activities, raised one eyebrow in manner of Roger Moore, picked up the phone,
murmured, "She's just coming, sir," and dropped it into a glass of water.
Friday 12 September
Minutes since had sex 0 (hurrah!).
Dreamy day, highlight of which was going to Tesco Metro with Mark Darcy. There was no stopping him
putting things into the trolley: raspberries, tubs of Pralines and Cream Hdagen-Daaz, and a
chicken with a label on saying 'extra fat thighs'. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]